If you have a toddler you have probably witnessed at least one if not many meltdowns/tantrums. How can such big emotions come out of such a little person? Toddlers are going through growing pains. They are learning about boundaries and limits and self assertion and autonomy. Well how does this information help you?
Tantrums often leave parents feeling completely helpless and overwhelmed. If this is you then you have probably asked “am I doing something wrong?” or what should I do?” Now there are no magical solutions to just make it stop and never happen again. I am sorry to have to break this news. But there are some things that you should know that can help.
I remember when my oldest threw his first tantrum at about 1 and 1/2 years old. He threw a complete fit about something seemingly insignificant. He screamed and threw himself on the floor kicking. I sat with him rubbed his back, told him I loved him and made sure there was nothing around that he could hurt himself on. I sat there and wondered “what happened, what went wrong?”
Well the truth is this is just a normal part of kids growing up. Nothing went wrong. Some children have more of a propensity to this kind of behavior than others.
I truly don’t want you to feel helpless when your child’s emotions are out of control. So here are 3 things that I have learned in the trenches. 3 things not to do or 3 things you should know.
1: Do not get upset yourself
This might seem simple enough but I often find that when my child’s emotions get really big and out of control I am more likely to feel stressed, overwhelmed and out of control myself. Your emotional state must if possible stay calm and controlled. Your child needs to know that it is okay to get upset that their world will stay safe when they feel out of control. Your child has not learned emotional regulation skills yet and needs to have it modeled for them. If you feel yourself getting upset (angry or sad) then make sure your child is safe and walk away for a moment or two until you are calm.
2: Do not try to talk it out
What? You ask. Aren’t you supposed to validate your child’s emotions and talk things through with them?
Well yes, of course, but there is a time and place for this.
When you are really upset do you have the capacity to listen to anyone else or to talk through reasonably what is making you upset? Well just like you, your child does not have the capacity in their upset state to hear anything from you or to reason. In scientific terms your child’s prefrontal cortex (or reasoning brain) has shut off and they are purely emotion. Let them scream and cry it out until they are calm. What you can do is offer them calm reassurance and make sure they are safe.
3: Do not be hard on yourself
Hey, if you have done both things above please do not be hard on yourself. I have been there as a parent. Parenting is one of the greatest challenges you will ever face. You are doing your best and that is awesome.
Take deep breaths. You get to model to your child how to react and move forward when you do make a mistake or when you get upset (when it wasn’t the best thing to do). Never be scared to apologize to your child.
In conclusion then: There are no easy answers or quick fixes but hopefully this post helps. Helps you feel less stressed and overwhelmed when your child is out of control. Remember there are no perfect parents or perfect children but you share a humanness or imperfection. You are your child’s coach and mentor through big emotions.
You have got this mommy’s and daddy’s who are in the trenches with little ones and big emotions today. Make sure you always give your child a big hug after and tell them that you love them no matter what.
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